End-of-season Bottom 10: Stacking up the best of the worst

Inspirational thought of the week:

So this is me swallowing my pride
Standing in front of you, saying, “I’m sorry for that night”
And I go back to December all the time
It turns out freedom ain’t nothing but missing you
Wishing I’d realized what I had when you were mine
I’d go back to December, turn around and make it alright
I go back to December all the time
— Taylor Swift, “Back to December”

Here at Bottom 10 Headquarters, located behind the giant industrial fans used to cool the massive warehouse of computer servers that store Pete Thamel’s contact list, we come once again to Championship Weekend, which means it’s time for us at the Bottom 10 to make like the head coach of a college football team named the Owls and get the hell out of town.

But before we commenced with our annual Scotch-Irish exit out the side door that sets off the fire alarm, we assembled our Bottom 10 Selection Committee to help sort out the final rankings. When we shouted into the air “Bottom 10, assemble!” we were immediately joined by our usual list of longtime esteemed colleagues that includes me, my dad, Captain Morgan (aka my stepdad), former LSU coach Ed Orgeron, current Northwest Oklahoma defensive coordinator Jerry Glanville and Ed “Straight Arrow” Gennero, the man who joined forces with Sinbad and Supervisory Special Agent Dwayne Cassius Pride to save the Texas State Armadillos from the death penalty.

Bo Pelini served on the committee one year ago but never showed up this time around, so we replaced him with Mack Brown, who immediately tried to cast five votes for North Carolina. For the second consecutive season, we also invited Jimbo Fisher but were told that he was too busy racing Rich Rod and Anthony Becht in kayaks up the Monongahela River toward Morgantown.

As per usual, we were told by the posh Gaylord Texan, where the hoity-toity College Football Playoff people hang out, that there was no room at the inn. So we hotwired an RV from a nearby Buc-ee’s and parked it behind an abandoned Dickey’s BBQ adjacent to the Gaylord, so close that it allowed Coach O to irritate Mike Riley and Gary Pinkel by aiming a laser pointer at them through the conference room blinds.

And once again we leaned on our Bottom 10 FPI formula. No, not the ESPN Football Power Index, but rather the Faux Pas Index.

Because everyone loves math, here’s how it works. Teams receive one point for each win, minus one point for each loss, minus one point for each loss of their longest losing streak of the year, plus a minus-10 bonus if that longest losing streak is currently active. We also subtract the number of points they have surrendered on the season from the number of points they scored, subtract or add points based on their season turnover margin and subtract their weakness of schedule (WoS) ranking. If a team fired its head coach, that earned a 50-point subtraction, aka the Randy Edsall Fired Coach Bonus.

Divide all of that by the number of games played, and there’s your Bottom 10 FPI score. See? Simple as pie. A Shaker lemon cherry rhubarb strawberry walnut pecan quiche with lattice crust and cranberry-pear cookie crumble topping.

So, with apologies to Tulsa lineman Ender Aguilar, former Toledo Rocket Alex Enders, former Wisconsin kicker Andrew Endicott and Steve Harvey, here are the season-ending Bottom 10 rankings for 2024.

Wins: +0
Losses: -12
Longest losing streak: -12 (current -10)
Point differential: -362 (167 for, 529 against)
Turnover margin: -9
WoS: -46
Randy Edsall Fired Coach Bonus: N/A
Total: -451
Games played: 12
Final Bottom 10 Faux Pas Index: -37.58

Nick Saban’s alma mater successfully defended its 2023 Bottom 10 title by finishing the season as the nation’s only 12-loss team. Saban also lost 12 games … over his last nine years at Alabama.

Wins: +1
Losses: -11
Longest losing streak: -19 (current -10)
Point differential: -202 (117 for, 319 against)
Turnover margin: -19
WoS: -110
Randy Edsall Fired Coach Bonus: -50
Total: -420
Games played: 12
Final Bottom 10 Faux Pas Index: -35

The Molden Eagles nearly swooped in for the Bottom 10 upset as Kent’s season finished early with some midweek #MACtion and Southern Miss played one more game, a 10th straight loss, the nation’s third-longest active losing streak. They did so by surrendering 21 points in less than two minutes to season-long Bottom 10 Wait Lister Troy Bolton State. The bad news is all of the above. The good news is that Brett Favre has already filed the paperwork to see if the season qualifies for disaster relief so he can use the funds to buy the team the gold-plated private plane used in the movie “Richie Rich.”

Wins: +3
Losses: -9
Longest losing streak: -4 (current -10)
Point differential: -210 (300 for, 510 against)
Turnover margin: -7
WoS: -133
Randy Edsall Fired Coach Bonus: -50
Total: -420
Games played: 12
Final Bottom 10 Faux Pas Index: -35

In other gold-covered natural disaster news, the Golden Hurricane didn’t just lose their last four games, they lost them by surrendering 59, 38, 63 and 63 points, including three games against EC-Yew, You A Bee? and FA(not I)U, all of whom spent large chunks of time in the Bottom 10 this season.

Wins: +1
Losses: -11
Longest losing streak: -11 (current -10)
Point differential: -290 (189 for, 479 against)
Turnover margin: -14
WoS: -6
Randy Edsall Fired Coach Bonus: -50
Total: -391
Games played: 12
Final Bottom 10 Faux Pas Index: -32.58

The Buttermakers churn into winter riding the nation’s second-longest losing streak, their only 2024 win coming in Week 1 against the Indiana State Sycamores. In their defense, they did play the nation’s sixth-toughest schedule, according to our ESPN Analytics Ouija board of truth. Also in their defense, Sycamores are tough to chop down, so they were pretty tired.

Ryan Day is 66-10 at Ohio State, but 1-4 against Michigan. On the flip side, Jim Harbaugh at Michigan was 0-5 against Ohio State before winning his last three. On the flip side of that, Harbaugh also had that guy named after a bunch of horses stealing signs for him. On the flip side of that, I’ve tried to watch that Netflix documentary about that guy like five times but keep turning it off because I can’t see that sign-stealing guy as the sort of sympathetic genius that he wants me to. On the flip side of that, Ohio State fans are having a hard time seeing Day as a sympathetic genius, either.

Wins: +2
Losses: -10
Longest losing streak: -6
Point differential: -176 (198 for, 374 against)
Turnover margin: -6
WoS: -132
Randy Edsall Fired Coach Bonus: -50
Total: -378
Games played: 12
Final Bottom 10 Faux Pas Index: -31.5

Who outlasted all Owl-based FBS programs this season? Kennesaw, that’s who. That’s who also beat out the Rice Owls, FA(not)U Owls and Temple of Doom Owls, all of who-m fired their head owls this season. But who fired their coach, who then showed up to hoot it with his former pigskin parliament the next weekend anyway? These Owls, that’s who.

Wins: +3
Losses: -9
Longest losing streak: -5
Point differential: -176 (259 for, 435 against)
Turnover margin: -13
WoS: -108
Randy Edsall Fired Coach Bonus: N/A
Total: -308
Games played: 12
Final Bottom 10 Faux Pas Index: -25.67

The Other Aggies had climbed out of the Bottom 10 like Bruce Wayne from that deep-hole prison in that movie where no one could understand what the bad guy was saying and appeared to be in the clear after outdueling fellow CUSA scrambler Muddled Tennessee State two weekends ago. But then they dropped the season’s final Pillow Fight of the Week, literally, with two fumbles that were returned for two UTEPid touchdowns. It was a finale fight almost as badly choreographed as that same movie’s finale fight between Batman and Bane.

Wins: +2
Losses: -10
Longest losing streak: -4 (current -10)
Point differential: -156 (270 for, 426 against)
Turnover margin: -1
WoS: -74
Randy Edsall Fired Coach Bonus: -50
Total: -303
Games played: 12
Final Bottom 10 Faux Pas Index: -25.25

The Minuet-men employed the same battle tactics they employed at Bunker Hill, waiting until they saw the whites of their enemies’ eyes. Unfortunately, in football that means you’ve already been run over.

Wins: +2
Losses: -10
Longest losing streak: -6
Point differential: -151 (185 for, 336 against)
Turnover margin: -16
WoS: -11
Randy Edsall Fired Coach Bonus: N/A
Total: -192
Games played: 12
Final Bottom 10 Faux Pas Index: -16

The Semi-No’s spent their entire offseason in court desperately trying to prove they had no business playing football in the ACC. Then they spent the entire season proving beyond a shadow of doubt that, no, they certainly didn’t.

Wins: +3
Losses: -9
Longest losing streak: -9 (current -10)
Point differential: -101 (326 for, 427 against)
Turnover margin: -8
WoS: -35
Randy Edsall Fired Coach Bonus: N/A
Total: -169
Games played: 12
Final Bottom 10 Faux Pas Index: -14.08

Back in July, the Fightin’ Gundys were picked by many to be spending this weekend playing in the Big 12 championship game. Instead, they went 0-9 in the conference and ended the season with the nation’s fourth-longest losing streak. It’s enough to make someone declare that they are a man and they are 40, even after a season like this one, when they looked 90.

Waiting list: Miss Sus Hippie State, FI(not A)U, FA(not I)U, Temple of Doom, Baller State, Georgia State Not Southern, Why OMG?, UTEPid, Muddled Tennessee State, treating flag planting like a TikTok trend.